I was surfing television last night and paused on CNN with Larry King. His guest, for the 87th time, was the Holy Al Gore, High Priest of the First Church of Climatology, and that most progressive of progressives. My hero.

Larry: Al, I understand that you have a new yacht!

The Holy Gore: That's right, Larry. It's called the Bio-Solar One, and it's the king of Center Hill Lake in Smithville.

Larry: You're the conscience of the planet, earth, the high priest of Gaia. You deserve a yacht.

The Holy Gore: I think so. People have said to me why have bio-diesel when there's no bio-diesel on the lake, but I'm in talks with the Obama administration to install bio-diesel on every lake, pond and horse trough as part of the Stimulus Bill.

Larry: Al, wasn't there a problem with your yacht when people saw it didn't have any solar panels?

The Holy Gore: That has been exaggerated way out of proportion. I have a solar still on board. Also I have a telescope on the top. I keep looking for flying saucers. You know that I was born nine months after Roswell, don't you? Our friends from space have answers for us, you know, and anyway I want to get my family's medical history.

Larry: Yes, Al, I heard when you were born. Do you spend a lot of time on the boat?

The Holy Gore: Not as much as I used to, Larry. The lake is getting full of creepy people. Whenever I went ashore I'd hear people muttering about that lunatic's huge rubber ducky with the evil eye. I am a brave man, Larry, but a lunatic with a rubber ducky--did you know that I was in the military?

Larry: Yes, Al, I know that.

The Holy Gore: I was a journalist, Larry. I can write! It's not true that my book was written by someone else. Every day I take the cap off a pen at least five times!

Larry: Good for you, Al!

The Holy Gore: Part of the Stimulus Bill will be a Cabinet level post for carpal-tunnel syndrome, Larry.

Larry: Al, some nattering nabobs of negativity have noticed that during your last few speeches on global warming there have been record cold spells, and that the earth is actually the coolest it's been in years. What do you say to that?

The Holy Gore: I say that reading thermometers is very subjective, Larry. In fact the Obama administration has instructed the National Weather Service to institute modern educational reforms. All the meteorologists will be given grades: Correct, or Learning in Progress. I'm still convinced that there is going to be enough global warming that the seas will rise over the top of the Empire State Building.

Larry: Where did you hear that?

The Holy Gore: One night I was on the BS1 looking for flying saucers and I found one! It was doing sky-writing. "Beloved son, in whom I am well pleased, the seas will rise once a day or in some places twice a day!"

Larry: Al, isn't that the, uh, tide?

The Holy Gore: Larry, there were no tides before the internal-combustion engine, and all internal-combustion engines must be turned off, except of course for the engine on the BS1 and my Escalade and all the limos that are left idling while I give a speech on how the internal-combustion engine will ruin the world and cause the stars to collide with each other. It's the internal-combustion engine that did that. Just who was this Homer to talk about tides?

Larry: Al, I hear you have another project, and that's saving the forests.

The Holy Gore: That's right, Larry. We are using too many trees. People are using too many paper napkins and disposable paper products. It's making the cost of paper rise to the point that people cannot afford a copy of my book for every table and flat surface in their house. You know, Larry, that I did write that book.

Larry: I know you did, Al, I know you did.

The Holy Gore: Watch me uncap my pen, Larry! See that?!

Larry: You've gotten good at that Al. I remember when...

The Holy Gore: See? See? I'm on a roll, Larry, and I'm not even tired, except my eyes get crossed sometimes...

Larry: Al, what's your suggestion for saving paper?

The Holy Gore: Don't blow your nose. Just sniff. I'm good at sniffing, Larry; I've been doing it for years.

Larry: [Laughing] We know, Al. No one sniffs better than you.

The Holy Gore: Watch this, Larry! [Gore sniffs for ten seconds.] The only problem, Larry, is that when I sniff I can't see anyone who's not a Senator or a Graham or a Sulzberger for ten minutes.

Larry: I know what you mean Al. Any other suggestions?

The Holy Gore: That's right. Sheryl Crow said she only uses one square of toilet paper. I can do her one better. One sheet better.

Larry: How's that?

The Holy Gore: Don't wipe your ass at all! I don't, and people should be honored to smell my shit because my shit doesn't stink! After all, look what brown did for me!

Larry: I take your point, Al, I take your point.